Okay, Okay, I know that it has been awhile since I have blogged but, I have been a little preoccupied lately. I know that I wanted this blog to always be happy but, I have realized that life it going to happen whether it be happy or not.

I am stuck in a very hard place right now and I feel like I have no where to turn. There are so many things that I want done right now and the hardest part for me is being patient and letting things happen the way that they need to and when they can. I want everything to happen now not later! That is the controller coming out of me. I need to control or at least feel like I am in control. This past 2 weeks I have been very far from being able to control my situation. I feel so frustrated and then I don’t think rationally or logically. Not that I have ever really thought logically in my life. I am more of the type to jump to the action that the moment presents and then suffer miserably from the consequence later.

One situation in my life that I wish I had more control of is that I am madly and falling deeper in love with someone that is in an entirely different world. I am scarred that this relationship might fall apart but am to stubborn to let it, 9 and half hours apart does its toll on any relationship. Not to mention that the only time we talk is through messaging, and emailing pictures to each other. I will be the first to admit that I would not normally have even considered a relationship like this. I know logically it makes no since yet for some reason I am driven to know more and to understand and experience his world and life. I’ll be honest at times I feel as if he makes this difficult for me, maybe to keep me hanging on, giving me just enough to always be wanting for more. Then again it could just be the deep distrust that I have taught myself to have with men.

I know that I don’t give many a fair chance. That I am always too quick to judge and I do apologize for that. I find myself very cautious especially since I have a little girl that is so dependent on me. This makes my situation even harder. It has put the idea in my head that no matter what, no one is good enough, even if they are. I have so many mixed emotions in my head it’s hard to think logically and put all feelings aside. When I do seem to find a spare moment to think, something pops up and reminds me of the feelings in my heart. Maybe it’s a higher power telling me not to think but to act on those feelings.

I have so many emotions tugging at me that I have been strong enough. It is time that I let loose, let everything out and cry for hours till I fall asleep.

I have had a lot of reasons to think about my life the past little while. I have been able to share things with a friend that I have not been able to share with anyone else and it feels good to finally get what has been on my mind for several years off. I have been able to see how someone can believe in something so much that there is no question in there mind. I admire that so much. I have never been so certain about something and here is this amazing person who has absolutely no doubt.

I have been doing good in school. I can't even believe I put going to collage of for so long. My spanish class is the best. I love how everything is coming back to me and how easy it is. It brings back great memories of high school and all the fun and exciting times we had with Marcela and Pablo. I loved being able to just stay at there house for the whole summer and sleeping outside under the stars almost everynight. I miss always being able to go shopping with Marci and that it did not matter what we bought or how much we paid.

I have a lot of great memories of my childhood. I loved and looked forward to being able to go on our summer campout as a family up at Payson Lakes. Now here I am grown and with a child of my own and no time to take her on a campout like that. I realized that money is not the only thing in this world that you need. You need friends and family, religion and love, memories of your childhood and stability. I will try my best to better her life and to make sure that she has all of these and more.

One thing that I have been thinking of a lot the past while is my relationship with Darren. I have been think about the begining of the relationship when he would promise me the world. Where he would always call to tell me that he loved me or that he was thinking of me. I used to love how he would surprise me at work with flowers. I have been sifting through the memories in my mind trying to figure out what went wrong and where I failed. I feel like I have let so many people down.

I am excited and scared for the future. I know that it holds a lot of adventures that I will come across and face. I just hope that I will be able to learn from my mistakes and that they will make me a better person.

Life is a beautiful thing. I am so glad that I am finally able to let go of everything that has been pulling me down so that I can see this. I am glad that God has touched my life and I am greatful that I am in a place in my life where I can allow him to continue to touch it. Things are looking up for Kathryn and I we will do great and make God proud!

On another note. I have heard a lot about this thing called Pandora. I thought great a radio channel cool good for those that like it. Well guess what, I got a new iphone because my other phone kinda died on me. Well, to those of you who I mocked for being obsessed with Pandora I am greatly sorry. I have seen the light. I have been listening to all my favorite songs for hours now. (about 5)

I love life, I love that I have finally found how to take control.

So today I did a fitness assesment in my fitness for life class. Oh my gosh! It was the hardest thing for me. I sucked at everything. I was pretty confident that I was at least average but then I got my results and it put a damper on my day. I turned to my to best friends Ben and Jerry. It made me realize that I take way to much in life for granted. I use my car way to much. I have a gas station just down the street and instead of walking to get a soda I drive. I have a daughter that is always asking to go to the park on a bike ride so I load the bikes in the car drive them 2 blocks to go around the 1 mile track once, load the bikes back in the car to drive them home. I am so lazy. I set goal this afternoon. One of them is to get back to my premarriage weight of 120 pounds. It will be hard work but I know that I can do it.

On another note it started to rain a little bit today. That is one of my most favorite things. I just stood in the parking lot and let the rain fall upon me. It allowed me to think of some things in my life that I am greatful for. The most important my family and friends. I am greatful for the six year old perspective of life that shows me what is really important. I am greatful for a dear friend that I have recently met that is always so willing to help me in my time of need and answers all of my crazy questions. Friendship is such a beautiful thing. I am thankful that I can have or obtain anything I want in this life.

Thank You Everyone!

I need to keep a record of things a Journal if you will. I hate writing it takes way to much time, so I will use this blog for my Journal. I will write as if it is private but I know that it is public for all to see. Maybe one day you will learn from me as I will learn from others and life experiences. There is a lot about me that has already formed the person that I am. I am a divorced 26 year old single mom to one. Other then that information you will not get to know about the past. Today is a new day and we move on. Here is to a new start to life and the beauty that it holds.